Last Thursday, March 14 was Luke’s birthday. 36 years. And it has been nearly 3 years since his death. Every day there is pain. But the pain does not control my life. There are people who need me and depend on my support and love. My family, my friends, my colleagues, they watch me, they interact with me. Most of the time they are afraid to say anything but I know they are wondering how I deal with it.
Occasionally my wife, Sharon, will ask me how I am coping with it. Sometimes I think she feels guilty if she lets situations get her down, because she knows it cannot be as hard as what I am dealing with.
The bottom line is we all deal with loss and depression differently. There is no right way or wring way. In the year after Luke’s death I saw a counselor. I attended a support group for parents who lost children and I attended a support group for survivors of suicide. There came a time for me when I felt I had learned from sharing my story and listening to others share theirs.
For others it is not so easy. Their pain controls their lives and they find no joy in holidays or activities that they had engaged in with their children. The same way with many suicide survivors. They can never overcome that guilt and it haunts them. These people are at risk because of their prolonged depression. I am not being critical because that is who they are. They might look at me and think I am too callous.
So where does one draw that line. On Wednesday night Bethany made Luke’s favorite birthday cake, Funfetti Cake. We celebrated Luke. On Thursday Sharon and I left for Nashville for the SEC basketball. We enjoyed the games, mostly, as well as several dinners with old friends. And on Thursday night at dinner we toasted Luke.
Everyone handles loss and depression differently. But there are things you can do to make sure that it does not control your life.
- Do not hide your feelings from those closest to you. Let them know how the loss affects your life. Hiding your feelings from them creates a heavier burden for them.
- Get help from a professional and/or support groups. Learn coping skills from those who have walked in your shoes.
- Consider how the loved one you have lost would want you to live your life.
- Do not be afraid to be a ray of sunshine to your family members who are suffering as much as you.
- You will always feel a bit of guilt and remorse but know that you have earned the right to feel the joy as well.
The Trials of Luke 