Author: trialsofluke

It’s been a minute. It’s been a while. Okay, it’s been a longtime since I posted here.

Life moves along and sometimes the words are just not ready to come out.

But things happen and a lot has happened recently. Some are good and some bad.

But they provided the spark to write this.

For instance June always gets off to a rough start as it marks the anniversary of Luke’s death. It’s hard to comprehend that it has been 8 years. It seems like I was just talking to him, working with him and traveling to Sedona with him. But losing him was why I started this project and he lives on through this.

Another bit of news that rekindled the pain was the news in late May of the death of Grayson Murray. He was not a lawyer, but he was a 30 year old man who ended his own life. Not just any young man but a successful young golfer. It proves that success and money are not shields against addiction and depression. 

On the upside there has been a recent uptick in activity/visitors to the Trials of Luke FB Page.That is encouraging and a sign that I should offer more thoughts if people are interested. So here I am.

On a positive note I recently received an email from Bruce Simpson, letting me know that he had visited this site and offered his condolences and was there if I ever needed to talk about Luke.

For those of you who are not familiar with Bruce’s story, I’ll share it and at the end provide the link so that you can read it in his own words. Bruce Simpson, is a well known Lexington attorney, who recently came forward with his story of how he faced depression and contemplated suicide before choosing to live and face his problems. I have had some dealings with Bruce in the legal realm, most of them more than 20 years ago. I have always had a great admiration for his work particularly in the area of real estate and zoning. So when I first heard his story, I was stunned but at the same time well aware of the toll that the legal profession takes on so many practitioners. 

I recommend that you read his whole story, but in a nutshell an grievous error in the handling of a case drove him to the point of slipping off to an isolated location late at night, gun in hand, prepared, he believed to bring his depression to an end. But luckily he changed course.

Here is the link to his article:

https://lsc-pagepro.mydigitalpublication.com/publication/?m=60486&i=803200&p=8&ver=html5

I came across this question recently. It is not a religious question about what happens to your soul in the afterlife. It is about the soul inside you that guides you through life here on earth. We know that we can rest our bodies through sleep (not that it is always that easy). We can rest our minds through non-work activities, reading a non-fiction book, watching a comedy, or taking a walk (without your cellphone).

          But what do we do to find rest for our souls. Just like our physical and mental manifestations we must set aside time to heal souls. As attorneys we tend to carry our clients with us 24/7. We are reluctant to break away. We feel obligated to work, work, and work some more. To find our “rest” we have to do the opposite of what our normal tendencies. We have to take care of ourselves first. We have to follow the “Oxygen Mask Rule.”

          When you are taking a flight and preparing for takeoff the flight attendant tells you, “Should the cabin lose pressure oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the mask over your own mouth and nose before assisting others.” Wait! What! If you are traveling with your young child or grandchild or spouse, how could you possibly think of taking care of yourself first? Who are you? George Costanza.

          The flight attendants know what they are talking about, if you are not getting oxygen you have no chance of helping those who need your help. Likewise we must keep the oxygen flowing to our “souls” to keep us functioning at our best. Otherwise we cannot help our clients. Yes, sometimes that means putting yourself first. It’s not about goofing off or partying or spending extravagantly but about being whole.

I have been inactive for a while but as we have seen recently “lawyer suicides” has flared again. Unlike our current Covid situation, it is not a pandemic that appears and hopefully fades away. Suicides happen so we take notice. Articles appear in the newspaper, bar associations reach out and we take more notice of our brethren. But over time it tends to fade from our attention until it flares up again.

          So please examine where you are in your practice and whether you are in the place you need to be. What can you do to nourish what needs to be nourished and what toxins need to be expelled?

It’s been a while. 

Maybe it was the shock and disappointment with a few reactions to my last post and the level of hatred and bigotry out there.

Maybe it was the stress of shutting down my law practice.

It is hard to keep up with a full schedule, apparently tying up loose ends can be difficult as well.

But my commitment to Luke requires me to continue with this mission. Now more than ever.

I have been shaken by the announcement that 2, no wait now 3 more KY lawyers ended their own lives this week.

And over the last few weeks there have been several others.

While these KY lawyers will not get the same level of press coverage as the suicide of Thomas Raskin, the 25 year old Harvard Law grad and son of Maryland Congressman, Jamie Raskin, they deserve our concern and our sympathies for their families.

Thomas took his life on New Year’s Eve.

In these divisive, we need more support from each other and less volatile rhetoric.

So I will working on new posts and you will hear from me very soon.

I was 20 years old when I first became a card carrying member of the ACLU. It was the days of Richard Nixon, the Vietnam War and a lot of social unrest, similar to today. Civil rights and liberties have always been the bedrock of our democracy and I felt strongly that they should never be encumbered or suppressed. At that point in my life I had not decided to go to law school but I guess it pointed me in that direction.

            The ACLU has long fought to protect our rights to free speech and assembly. The ACLU gets a bad rap because some people consider them anti-Christian. But they actually are just trying to keep religion out of government and keep the government out of your religious practices.

            Pretty much all other lawyers get a bad rap as well but that’s okay too. It is what we do. In every case, the lawyer is both the good guy and the bad guy. It is all about perspective. George Floyd’s family has an attorney. Derek Chauvin has an attorney. Ahmaud Arbery’s family has a lawyer. Gregory and Travis McMichael have attorneys. Organizations on the left and the right and in the middle all have attorneys. We are not in this business to gain popularity. But being both loved and hated at the same time puts a lot of stress and anxiety on an attorney trying to do his job.

            These past few months doctors and nurses and the other health care providers have been under enormous stress, both emotionally and physically. They have put their lives at risk. Luckily very few people have a low opinion of them. They are pretty much universally loved. But even with that we have seen suicides and breakdowns in their profession as well.

            Lawyers do not get nor necessarily expect that kind of love. Unlike doctors and nurses, lawyers are not capable of treating those sick with Coronavirus. Sure, we can protect our clients in some ways. Some attorneys have worked diligently to get their inmates released or moved from corrections facilities where Coronavirus is rampant. Others have exposed neglect in nursing homes where many seniors are dying. And attorneys have been on both sides of the argument as to whether the government imposed safety restrictions are reasonable or an unnecessary infringement on our civil liberties. We do our job and we accept our lot.

            Today is the fourth anniversary of Luke’s death. I wrote this post today wondering what he would be thinking if he were alive today. As an attorney, how would he look at the ongoing disrespect for human rights and dignity? As a former sergeant in the Kentucky National Guard how would he feel about his fellow officers being sent out into our communities to control crowds? Or even worse how would he feel about the threat of military force against our citizens? It would not sit well with him, I know. We all get depressed but for those truly suffering from depression, survival under these circumstances is near impossible.

            Share the love, especially with those you know who are risk. There is no room for hate, divisiveness or the use of power to express one’s false sense of superiority.

The next post I had planned was going to be about transitioning to retirement. Something that is not easy for most lawyers. But suddenly life is different and things are slowing down for all of us. The question is how do attorneys adjust from working 60+ hours a week in their office to a life where you do not meet with clients in person, there are no court hearings to attend and most of our deadlines are put on hold.

As I have stated repeatedly, the stress levels for most attorneys is extremely high. I recently heard about another young attorney in Central Kentucky who ended his own life. I did not know him personally but from what I read he was well respected and well liked.

Now we have added stress, particularly for the sole practitioner or members of small firms who depend on their District Court or Family Court practice to keep them afloat. There are lot of attorneys who depend on those weekly cash payments not monthly billable hours or large contingent fees. Like so many other small business owners we have virtually been shut down. How do you pay your staff? How do you pay your office expenses? How do you feed your family? How long will this last? Over the past 25 years I have filed around 8 bankruptcies for attorneys. We as attorneys are not immune from financial crisis.

Right now Kentucky and federal courts have cancelled court hearings and the date of re-opening to business as usual is up in the air. There is an expectation that some hearings will be conducted telephonically. Are we equipped for that? Are you prepared to use Zoom and do you know what it is?

These are problems but there are more, like how do I spend my time. I ventured to the Post Office this week to get my mail. Standing inside was an attorney for whom I have a great deal of respect, Bill Kirkland. Mr. Kirkland was standing near the window dressed smartly in a black suit, as always. I do not believe I have ever seen him dressed otherwise. Practicing social distancing he asked me about my recent merger with Atkinson, Simms and Kermode. I told him that I had already cut back to working 2-3 days a week, even before our present crisis. Even though he has “several years” on me he said he did not have retirement plans. He said he does not fish or play golf. I told him I didn’t either but I had plenty of things I enjoy doing. But alas many of those things are now on hold.

So what do I do? So what do the rest of these workaholics turn to when there is little work to do? I doubt that they are searching amazon Prime for Tai Chi videos like me. Whatever we face and for however long it is important that we put the health of our selves (especially us old guys), our loved ones and our clients first. So find your escape within your home, whether reading for fun rather than research, exercising, trying your hand at some form of art or just listening to your favorite music. Not only will you feel better for now but it will give you an idea what retirement can be for you.

THE UPS & DOWNS

The life of a trial attorney is full of ups and downs. For me 2019 was a roller coaster of emotions. I was bombarded from all angles but it was difficult to put into words that I could share.

Every time a positive result is obtained for a client such as an a dismissal or a reduction of charges or keeping a client out of jail or keeping them from losing their license, that euphoria comes on. But then there are the bad results. When you try a case believing that you have a real chance to exonerate your client but instead he gets hammered with a lengthy prison sentence, you cannot feel much lower.

Is it about disappointing our clients and their families or is it about disappointing ourselves? In over 40 years of trial practice I can remember times when I wondered if this is what I was meant to do. Was I really good enough? In my 20’s I tried a quite a few criminal cases as a public defender in Kenton County. The results were not good. Was it that my clients were in hopeless situations? Had they committed acts so egregious that they could not be helped? Or was I not up to the task?

The longer you do this the more you realize that only a small percentage of cases make it to trial. Even then the odds are stacked in favor of the prosecution. But our clients are entitled to and deserve their day in court. And most importantly if you do not try you cannot win.

Over time my success rate improved. In fact it dramatically improved. And as my record improved, it became easier to resolve cases that  did not need to be tried. As I tell my clients, you must make the prosecutor believe that you are willing to go to trial. Sadly I have known attorneys who never take a case before a jury. They try to convince their clients to take the deal. Sometimes that is the best option, but sometimes you need to fight the fight. Sometimes you get crushed and the what ifs can destroy you. But if you do what your client asks and you give your best shot, you should not despair.

This past year I represented a client with multiple indictments. On most counts the evidence was strong. He had no chance at trial. Still I thought if he plead probation was a good possibility. He plead but the probation did not happen. It has weighed upon me but at the same time I realize that a jury may have given him a substantially longer sentence.

I also tried a case this past summer where my client insisted he was innocent. He turned down an offer that would have made him eligible for probation or parole within a few years. Instead the jury gave him a max sentence that will require him to serve at least 17 years.

The bottom line is this is a part of the practice that can lead to or add to despair and depression. The constant second-guessing and the up-and-downs is not for all.

 

 

Last Thursday, March 14 was Luke’s birthday. 36 years. And it has been nearly 3 years since his death. Every day there is pain. But the pain does not control my life. There are people who need me and depend on my support and love. My family, my friends, my colleagues, they watch me, they interact with me. Most of the time they are afraid to say anything but I know they are wondering how I deal with it.

 

Occasionally my wife, Sharon, will ask me how I am coping with it. Sometimes I think she feels guilty if she lets situations get her down, because she knows it cannot be as hard as what I am dealing with.

 

The bottom line is we all deal with loss and depression differently. There is no right way or wring way. In the year after Luke’s death I saw a counselor. I attended a support group for parents who lost children and I attended a support group for survivors of suicide. There came a time for me when I felt I had learned from sharing my story and listening to others share theirs.

 

For others it is not so easy. Their pain controls their lives and they find no joy in holidays or activities that they had engaged in with their children. The same way with many suicide survivors. They can never overcome that guilt and it haunts them. These people are at risk because of their prolonged depression. I am not being critical because that is who they are. They might look at me and think I am too callous.

 

So where does one draw that line. On Wednesday night Bethany made Luke’s favorite birthday cake, Funfetti Cake. We celebrated Luke. On Thursday Sharon and I left for Nashville for the SEC basketball. We enjoyed the games, mostly, as well as several dinners with old friends. And on Thursday night at dinner we toasted Luke.

 

Everyone handles loss and depression differently. But there are things you can do to make sure that it does not control your life.

 

1. Do not hide your feelings from those closest to you. Let them know how the loss affects your life. Hiding your feelings from them creates a heavier burden for them.

 

2. Get help from a professional and/or support groups. Learn coping skills from those who have walked in your shoes.

 

3. Consider how the loved one you have lost would want you to live your life.

 

4. Do not be afraid to be a ray of sunshine to your family members who are suffering as much as you.

 

5. You will always feel a bit of guilt and remorse but know that you have earned the right to feel the joy as well.

As the holidays approached we prepared for spending time with family members and the joy of having our children and grandchildren around us. But I was also reminded of the stress that it can bring. Whether it is the thoughts of those who are no longer with us or worrying about those who are not in a position to enjoy the holidays. I also thought about how we deal with the “high maintenance” persons in our lives.

 As attorneys, we all have certain clients who fit that classification. It may be a client in a civil situation who believes that we have taken them to raise, who cannot make the simplest decision without asking our opinion. Even more troubling, these people often ignore what we tell them or for whatever reason, they forget it as soon as we tell them.  Or it may be a person charged with a crime, particularly those who are incarcerated. They frequently have an altered view of reality. Inmates often tend to be more concerned with getting their bond reduced than about the ultimate outcome of their case. I have told such clients that the potential 20 year sentence they are facing is what needs to be our focus. And the chances of a bond reduction are highly unlikely when facing a serious charge.

 Another client recently told me that I was a much better attorney than the prosecutor and that the facts did not matter. Thanks for the compliment but that is not a very rational basis for rejecting a reasonable plea offer. Having such control over a person’s future is not a responsibility to be taken lightly. Bearing such a heavy load is particularly stressful when it hits you at the beginning of winter. The days are short and the extending darkness is not good for anyone’s psyche. But stay rational we must. It is not a time for shortcuts or taking the easy way out.

I have spoken with family members with depression and they agree that winter and the holidays is the worst time of year for them. It was a time when Luke’s depression became more prevalent. While we are trying to stay festive, many are hurting. It is the time we need to be more mindful for supportive if we have someone close who is staring into darkness.

I thought I would get through the holidays with no surprises, but not so much. I lost 3 friends in December and 1 in early January. 2 were the same age as me, one a few years younger and one a few years older. Joe Yates was an attorney who I had known for about 20 years. He was a kindred spirit and although I had no association with him out of the courthouses, we shared some common bonds, particularly our political ideologies.

 The death that hit hardest though was that of an old friend from high school and college. He took his life on the day after Christmas. He was a very personable and outgoing guy who always seemed to have a positive attitude. It seemed such an unlikely end until I recalled that both of his parents had ended their own lives when he was very young. It hammered home the notion that Christmas is not a joyous time for all.

The Fayette County Coroner reported that in the past year 5 children age 14 or younger took their own lives. It is sad and scary to find that people so young are so burdened with pressures of life that they feel that the alternative to living under such pressure is their best option.

 We need to be constantly be mindful of those around us and we must be there for them, providing them with support and reminding them that they are loved and needed.

Luke Bubenzer is with Bethany Ruschell Bubenzer

I recently returned from a vacation and I felt that I had waited too long between posts and it was time to share my thoughts. But I cannot just “create” like I am writing fiction. Sometimes I need to be “struck” by some external event beyond my control. This past week several such events occurred.

 

The first dealt with someone very close to me who has for many years been battling depression and substance abuse issues. This week it lead them to the point of suicidal thoughts, if not actions. If you have a friend or family member with such issue, the first thing you need to know is that they will become very skilled liars. As Luke had done in the spring of 2016, this individual convinced me over the past few weeks that although there were parts of his life that were leaving them torn, that generally life was good and that they were on the right track to get their life turned around. The next thing I know they are strung out and heading back into rehab.

 

As always, I feel some guilt as if there was something I had done or not done along the way. But I now know better. We can try to help. We can advise. We can show our love and support. But in the end it is that person’s choice as to how they choose to live or whether they choose to live at all.

 

The second event involved a friend of mine. He was hospitalized and underwent heart surgery. He is an attorney who I have long admired and would consider one of the top 5 attorneys I have ever had the opportunity to know. I also have been lucky enough to learn a lot from him over the years, including when I tried a case against him. Though in his seventies he still works harder than most attorneys much younger than him.

 

His surgery brought back memories of my brother Bill’s quintuple bypass surgery and the impact it had on him. As I have mentioned previously, one of the side effects Bill had was memory loss which ultimately added to his depression.

 

All this raises the issue of how hard and how long do we push ourselves. What is it that motivates us and drives us every day to continue practicing? As I learned on vacation, as long as you are practicing at any level you really never can step away for long. Emergencies need responses. Fires need to be dealt with. Clients want answers.

 

Balance is hard to find in life and balancing the practice of law with our personal live is a challenge. I hope to get back into a more regular flow of sharing my thoughts in delving deeper into the answers to these questions.